The Honest Truth

This is one of those posts that you wonder hmm..should I write it?  But I am committed to being truthful about the entire adoption process and this is part of it. And you know what? It's not even about Peter. It's about others...

Our family has an open policy at our house. We love to have visitors, host people and get togethers, and have the policy you do not have to call us to visit. We still have this policy but our life has changed a bit. We now have a new son. He's not a new baby. This is different. He has lived in a different culture for 10 years of his life, has spoken a different language, and has known a completely different way of life. Ten years. That's a lot of years. Now he's getting used to our way of life. It's not easy. Lots of voices give him a headache because it's chaos in his mind. He's not always sure how to play with other kids because it's a bit different. When he cannot communicate, he gets (understandably) frustrated.  Most importantly, he's trying to figure out what a family is and how we all fit together.

Some people do not get our new life. Some say it out loud and others just look at us weird. People do not understand why we do not have other people over all the time. To be honest, we've had people over more than we had anticipated at this point. It goes ok but when it's time for them to go, they need to go. Peter does not lose it or anything but he's ready for his family to be together again so he can try and communicate more. We do not attend all the functions anymore. It's easier to be home. We do not allow our kids to do everything they used to do. Right now we are focusing on being a family. They knew this going in so it's not like we sprang this on them when we came home. I cannot talk on the phone for long periods of time. If I do, there are constant interruptions. When we are out and about, people do not understand some of the choices that we make or the responses we give Peter. We get more of this than anything else. We want Peter to feel part of our conversations. Can you imagine sitting at a table for an hour and not understanding anything being said? You are basically ignored? What a horrible feeling! And people wonder why orphans are not always so eager to thank us for their new life. (rolls eyes)

So here are my honest, deep feelings on this subject...this is our life right now and I.Love.It. It's not always easy but I am soaking up every bit of it. I am experiencing sadness because I have not done this earlier. We now have boundaries. No means no. If I don't want to answer the phone, I do not. If we do not go, we do not go. It's all ok. We are making memories here. I may be cooking dinner and hear my kids singing worship songs together or watch two boys battle it out with Nerf swords in the living room. I have learned things are things are feelings are more important. Our extended family and friends are important but God has called us to focus on bonding right now. It's so hard when people look at you strangely because of how you are handling situations. Eric and I did a lot of research, read lots of books, and watched lots of seminars before we adopted. We are also living it out. So know that while you may not understand what we are doing, (and sometimes we do not even understand what we are doing)  we are trying to make the best choices for our family. I am not going to be the person who invites you to dinner all the time now or offers her house up to host the party. I am not going to be the first to offer to babysit your children and sometimes I may not even be the first person to call when you have a problem. It's not because I do not care. It's not that at all. When we talk, I cannot give you my full attention and I feel I have short changed you. Know that while we may not always talk, I am praying for you. That will never change.

We can tell when people worry about our other kids. Know what I say to that? Stop. They are good. They know they are loved and this has been one of the best things that has ever happened to them. It's stretching them in ways they could have never imagined and showing them how real God is. Thank you for asking about them but please do not express concern in front of them. You open up a door for them to be all about them. That's now how we are raising them. We spend hours talking to them about this and we are making sure we are aware of their feelings. If they express something to you, talk with them but please make sure you tell us. We do not ask you to stop asking about them but to not worry about them. There is a difference! One of the saddest things to me is that more people ask about A & A more than they ask about Peter. I get that you've known them longer. But know this..we are committed 100% to all four of our children. That has not changed. If anything, it's increased.

Please do not take offense to this post. This is not every single person that we know. And for those who are doing this, we know it's not intentional. This is a new situation. We are still getting used to it ourselves. Every question asked has not been asked with the intention to hurt. It was asked out of love and curiosity. That means a lot to us. This post is to help clarify why things have changed. And please do not stop asking how it's going. Just like any new parent, we love sharing stories! And we love sharing stories about how they are working on getting along! It's great to watch. I'm sure it's not easy when I may be venting about issues we are having on this journey to think that we are truly losing it and have no idea what we are doing. You are probably right! I open the door for a lot of the comments and questions I get. God is working with me on this! We are truly appreciative that so many of you care and that you even want to ask. We are thankful for each and every family member and friend we have. You made this new life possible. (with God leading of course!) The reality is always a bit different. It's not what everyone expects. But you know what? The reality is better. Not easier, but better. Adoption has been one of the greatest decisions our family has ever made.

Now I am off to listen to Peter talk about gun machines, to Andrew tell me about The Twilight Zone, and to hear why Abi's room is boring on Webkinz. Yep, I love my life!