10 Facts About International Adopting an Older Child that No One Told You....

Now how's that for the longest title ever? These 10 facts are 10 facts according to me. That may not pertain to another single person out there but they do to me. And it's my blog and I'll write if I want too. (write if want to. You would write too if it happened to you.) And maybe you will identify with them. Who knows? Or maybe you will just think I am crazy. I can already tell you I am. I internationally adopted an older child so that answers that question. ;-)

10. I was not prepared for the awkwardness I felt when we met. I have 'met' all of my other children, 2 through birth, 1 as a 2.5 year old, but meeting a 10 year old is very different. They aren't very big into you swooping them into arms proclaiming they are the cutest thing you have seen on the planet earth, which is what I wanted to do. So I took the sweet hug and was happy with that. And then they leave this child with you that doesn't speak your language or know you. In a hotel room. Nah, that's not awkward at all.

9.  He would not really have likes when he first came home. He never had a choice at the orphanage so he never had favorites. He also tried to please us a lot in the beginning and went along with everything. Or he would try to upset us and would go along with nothing. It took about six months for him to be honest about clothes, music, sports and all kinds of  preferences. He had to find out who Peter was because this was a whole new Peter.

8.The cultural differences and how much he misses it. Oh yes, he's from China but who doesn't love America? He'll move here, start talking English within the first month, love the food, the clothes, everything. He'll forget about China in a month. Oh my word. Can you say stupid? He lived in China for 10 years. It's his home. He loves it here but he still longs for China. He longs for the sounds, the smells, the tastes, everything associated with the only home he had known for 10 years. And that's ok. That doesn't mean he doesn't like our home. He just misses all he's ever known. He also misses what he didn't know which is his China mommy and daddy. And that's ok too. They gave us the greatest gift of Peter but left the biggest hole in his heart. It's now filled with Jesus (and that boy loves him some Jesus!) and love from our family, but nothing can replace the feeling of being wanted by the parents who gave birth to you.

 7. It takes awhile for the siblings to become buddies. While we were in China, everyone got along great. And then we came home.....It takes about a year for the semi-normal brother-sister, brother-brother bond to happen and even then you still work through issues. And some of these issues may really never go away. But they slowly get to know each other and slowly began to like each other.

6. We may never know his true story. Why? Because he doesn't know all of it and some he doesn't want to share. And that's ok. We hope he will learn to trust us more and more and will tell us as he is ready but we need to be prepared that we will never know all the gaps.

5. Schooling..I could write an entire book on this. And I may one day. I was not prepared for teaching school to Peter. It's different for everyone because they all have different backgrounds. Peter's was not pretty so therefore teaching him school now is not pretty. We spent 6 months working on confidence and the fact that is is ok to learn school at home. Trying to explain schooling Peter to others is exhausting. No one gets it. (well, some do) Some people look at you with pity or disgust when you try to tell them what level he is on. Some try but no one really gets it because to be truthful, I don't even truly get it. It's complex and we are still going through testing to figure it all out.

4. We will never reveal his story to you. Oh, we may give you tidbits here and there but that's all you're going to get. It's his story to tell, not ours. We want you to love Peter for who he is not, not who he used to be. You may think knowing his story will help you get to know him better or understand what we're going but nope. This includes the story of the first year at home. We dealt with so much but again, most of it was his story he was working through and finding out who he is.  This includes telling our family too. We want to respect Peter and that's protecting him. He wants to trust us and if we go blabbing the things he tells us, how we he do that?

3. His friends...I was not prepared for the tears that would come when he's included and not included. I am sure that all moms are shocked because we think we do that with all our kids. Not true. This is different. When he is included in something or someone seeks his friendship, oh my word. I cannot explain the joy. Truly, it almost makes me shed tears of joy. And I may have cried once or twice. For him to be accepted and liked when he's only known rejection, again, no other feeling. He has incredible friends and I cannot say enough about them. Now, when he's rejected or left out, the mama bear in me gets a tad upset. Maybe more than a tad. With my other kids, we discuss it and mostly chalk it up to life lessons. (we've never had a bad situation with them and I really do not want to be a hovering mom) But with Peter, something just wells up in me and I want to shake someone. I want to scream, "Don't you understand how hard this is for him? He's barely been here 2 years, has a cleft palate and left his life behind! And you're going to be rude to him because he can't kick the soccer ball like you want him to?" I want to march up to the parents and explain adoption to them. But I don't. Because just like our other kids, these are life lessons. We handle them differently because he's already had some pretty hard life lessons. We try to teach him the Biblical way to handle them and to pray about it. Which is a good lesson for mom too.

2. How hard this would truly be. I was not at all prepared for the loneliness I felt and still feel at times. This has nothing to do with my family and friends. It has to do with our lifestyle choice and changes.  Does this mean we do not have great friends and family? Of course not! We have incredible friends and family and we are blessed. But I would give anything to have a friend to go have Andes Mint frappachino with who gets this part of my life. A friend who now serves as a missionary came home this summer and we met for lunch. She adopted two internationally adopted teens years ago. I cannot tell you the joy that I had meeting with her! I was also not prepared for my closest confidantes (in the adoption world) to become names and pictures on a computer screen. I shy away from that for certain reasons but these people have become my community and who I do that part of life with. They keep me sane, answer my questions, listen to my complaints and comfort my tears. My friends and family here do the same but when you are able to talk to someone who gets it, it's priceless.  Adoption is hard. Throw in an older child then cultural differences, well, there are no words for it. Andrew recently compared it to having a baby. He's right. But this baby came with some hard stuff and a personality. The first year is hard. I cannot stress that enough. Our family struggled deeply and sometimes all we could do was cry out the name of Jesus and fall to our knees. Having friends who love you despite the way you act and care about you during that time is so wonderful. I will never forget having one of the worst days and a  friend reached out and hugged me and just told me she loved me and had been praying for me. I can still remember how much that meant to me. She hasn't adopted, she doesn't know all our struggles and she didn't care. She loved me despite my being a bad friend since the adoption and that means so much.

 1. No one told me how much I would love him the moment I saw him. No one told me that I would instantly want to move Heaven and earth for him. No one told me that I could not live another day without this child in my life. No one told me he would steal my heart just like my other children have. No one told me that even though he didn't like me for months, that I would still adore him. No one told me that I would want to do it all over again, yes even the hard parts. Because he's worth it. Every ugly word, every tear, every bad moment, every fit is worth it just as much as the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, and the laughs. I adore this child and no one could have told me how much he would mean to me. Because there are no words.

What's going on?

It's September and we have not updated in so long! Here's what's going on in our world:

-We are LOA! This means we are approved to adopt Elise. We are now allowed to send her a care package to let her know that we want her to be our daughter, along with gifts, pictures and some questions.

-Being LOA means we are also about 3 months from travel! Oh my word!! 3 months! It seems so long but it's not when you have a room to get ready and more funds to raise. Speaking of funds...

-We held a silent auction last week and through the body of Christ, we raised $5500!! How incredible is that?! God is so good!

-We have about $11,000 more to raise. What does all this money go to? For three of us to travel to China and bring Elise home, it will cost around $20,000. We have flights, in country and to the country, hotel costs, food, (snacks that we take and food there) fees that cover the final paperwork, translator fees, transportation fees in country, orphanage fees, plus additional fees for our travel companion, Abi. :-) There are more but you get the idea. Travel is the most expensive part of the adoption.  Speaking of travel...

Traveling to adopt is not a vacation. Oh yes, we do some fun things while we are there to break up the time but it's more about the bonding. We will get Elise the night that we land or the very next morning. That's 12 days of being in a foreign country, but it's the last days of being in your child's home country. While the smells, sights, language and tastes are foreign to us, they are the last times Elise will have them. Elise does not know us. At all. We are white strangers coming to take her to a place she's only heard of and most of what she has heard could be fantasies or lies. She will have so many emotions and will not have any idea how to communicate that to us. We will do our best to bond but bonding will take place more when we get home. There are some families who never leave the hotel room because the child is too scared or the child is a holy terror in public. ;-) Can you imagine being 10 years old and this happening to you? The adoption process is best summed up as painfully beautiful.

Know that your funding is going to building a family and giving a little girl a wonderful last two weeks in her home country. We try to make it a 'vacation' for the child, try to buy reminders of their home, and new toys and clothes because they've been told 'no' for so long. (We do not spoil or indulge them. We show them love by buying them a few things.)

If you want to help bring Elise to her forever family, we have a few ways you can help out. We are selling t-shirts, having a garage sale, Abi is having a bike-a-thon, and we are tagging her bag!

 For Tag the Bag, you donate any amount and you can write a small message to Elise on her luggage which we will take with us to China.

Garage Sale-We will be holding a garage sale on Thursday October 2nd-Friday October 3rd. You can donate items, help one of those days, or donate baked goods which Abi will sell. We will even pick your items up the day before.

Abi's bike-a-thon will take place at Lois Jackson on October 25th. You can support any of the bikers or participate yourself!

Want a cool t-shirt that people will notice? Then you want this one! T-shirts are $15 for local delivery (Longview area) and $20 for those that need to be shipped. We have received so many compliments on these shirts. Money is due before we order them. Order yours today!

We cannot thank you enough for your help and most especially your prayers! You all mean more to us than you will ever know!

Fundraising? Again?! WHY??

When we adopted Peter, we did a lot of fundraising. A lot. We tried very hard to make our fundraisers family fun and to make sure that everyone got something out of it. This time around we had planned it to be a bit different. We did fundraising in the beginning, we would use our adoption tax credit for travel, and maybe do some fun little fundraisers for spending money. Well..that was our plan.

As previously mentioned, we did not qualify for the tax adoption credit. It's still crazy but it is what it is. We did fundraising in the beginning of this adoption and we have used all that money. That money did apply to this adoption. It paid for all the paperwork that we needed to get done to get to the point where we are today. So please know if you have supported us so far, your money has been used to bring Elise home. Our timeline was different with Peter. We could not do any paperwork until we had locked him in. This time around we have all the paperwork done and then we locked Elise in. When we locked Peter in, we had 11 months until travel. This time we have four months. All we have left money wise is travel. Travel just happens to be the biggest expense in adoption. It's best to figure $20,000 with flights and everything.

We are working very hard at having fun fundraisers. It would be great to have a big one so we do not have to have several small ones. People have mentioned golf tournaments, tennis tournaments, and 5k's. While these are great ideas, I do not know anything about golf and tennis, you have to spend money to make these successful and it's the hottest time of the year right now. So, unless someone knows how to do these and wants to guide me in it, I do not think these are our best options.

So....where do we go from here?? We plan on selling planning t-shirts, Eric is still selling coffee, (check it out!!) we will put together the cookbook, a give back night at a restaurant, garage sale, (start saving your stuff for us!) and try to come up with some family fun things! Abi is planning a drop off day camp and bike-a-thon. (She must pay for her travel this time around) Our awesome friend Allison will be selling compelled jewelry for us. You know you want to check it out before it arrives! If you know of any fun fundraisers, please let us know. We really do not want to overwhelm our friends and family by asking for money over and over. Please do not feel compelled to come just because you are our friends. God is going to provide!!! We know this!! We appreciate your prayers as we see how He answers our prayers but especially answers Elise's prayers!

Introducing.....

Our new daughter Elise Day An Xin Hong!

Elise is 9.5 years old and her special need is ametropoia, a disorder of the eyes. We are hoping to travel in October! (Let the fundraising begin!) Here is a bit of the back story along with how we (I) chose her name.

Back Story: Since we had found out about Tinsley, we had been praying about our next step. We had looked at some files, requested some other files, and prayed. Last week it came down to two. It was so hard to know which girl. They are both so sweet and need a home. We prayed and we cast lots. Yes, we cast lots. But right before we casts lots, Eric had said let's just go with her. So really, casting lots was just the confirmation we needed!

Elise- I have always loved the name Alyse but I didn't care for the "a" sound. I received our first email from our case worker and her name is Elyse. I tucked that away. Months went by and we thought we would be getting Tinsley. I wasn't overly fond of her name because there was no meaning. I am big on meanings. Once we decided to keep pursing adoption, I told Eric one evening that her name was to be Elise Day. Elise means "oath to God." As the months also progressed, I got to know our caseworker better. I fell in love with her heart for children. She was always so quick to pray for us and with us, even other things that were not adoption related to our family and for our friends that were adopting. She is a woman who truly lives out her faith and is trying to change the world for orphans. Our prayer is that our Elise will have a strong passion for Christ and that she will passionately pursue whatever path God chooses for her. Just like Elyse, our caseworker. We are thrilled they will share the same name! *Cool fact-my mom said she actually wanted my middle name to be Elise. God's cool like that!*

Day-All of our children carry the middle name of someone important in our life. If you have known me for a long time, you have had the privilege of meeting my Aunt Carolyne. (She's actually my great aunt.) My aunt Carolyne has always been a huge part of my life and is now a huge part of my kids lives. She never misses one single event they are in or even one birthday party. She always asks about my friends kids and truly cares for them also. She would do anything for you. She is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met. We pray that our Elise DAY will have the same compassion and heart for others as my Aunt KK does. It's an honor and privilege to name our daughter after her.

Here is a video of Elise that you can watch. http://vimeo.com/97606271 (password: Helen) Her sad face just makes me want to cry. She looks as if she has no hope. We cannot wait to hug our sweet girl and tell her that is so very loved, not just by us but by her Creator and Father.

We appreciate your prayers as begin this sprint!! We love you all!

Ooey, Gooey Mushy Feelings

As I lie here beside my 12 year old daughter, I can still see glimpses of the sweet baby girl she once was. I can picture her toothless grin as she lifted her head up, then her head falling back down because it was a lot of effort. I remember her pink ladybug sleeper and sweet baby smells. How she coo'ed in happiness when she saw my face. These memories always spring up when we're having a rough time. I'm able to remember the sweet times to get through the hard times.

But I don't have those, as my friend refers to them, ooey, gooey mushy memories of Peter. I can't conjure up what it felt like to feel his first kick in my stomach. I wasn't there for the first smile, first mama, first step. When he's belligerent, I have no rush of memories of sweet baby moments shared to get through the hard times.

What I do have is an image of what his early years were probably like. A sweet little one looking for his mama and she was no longer there. A little boy wanting to be hugged but just barely having his basic needs met. A little one who learned to never show emotion because it didn't matter. A broken, lost baby. No one to cheer him on because he took his first step. No one to cuddle him in bed when he cried. No one who laughed in delight over him. No one who adored him just because he was born.

So when he's belligerent towards us, these are the images that come up. Years of this. Ten years of not trusting anyone or having love. Ten years of just trying to survive. And my heart breaks. Ooey, gooey mushy feelings overwhelm me for this child who can finally be a child. This child who is so brave. This child who is learning about True Love for the first time in his life. This child who now has  a family who simply adores him because he was born.

There are children all over this world still experiencing this. Probably some in your own neighborhood. We're all called to care for the orphans. How does this look in your life? Is it fostering? Is it sending money to Operation Smile to help children have corrctive cleft surgery?  Is going on a mission trip to love on these sweet ones for a week to show them True Love? Is it supporting the local adoptive parents in your area? Nothing is to small.

Writing it makes it more real...

On Friday, we received the news we had been waiting for. Was Sweet T available for us to adopt? Our agency was committed to finding out what happened. Our caseworker had been praying along with us that we have a definite no or a definite yes. On Friday afternoon we found out that it was a definite no. She had been matched with another family.

Our hearts our sad. We can hardly talk about it. Scratch that, we can't talk about it. If you saw us, you wouldn't know that we had received hard news. But it's hard. Very hard. For 9 months, we have prayed for Tinsley, looked at the same pictures, and watched her sweet videos. We planned her side of the room with her excited older sister and picked out clothes for her. We dreamed about our future with her. For those who have had a baby, we were on that pregnancy journey. And now we do not have anything to show for it.

We've done this before. We know the feelings and grief that come with it. We also know that God has a plan. We would appreciate your prayers but unless you have experienced this, please refrain from giving us advice. A hug is sufficient. If you believe we are crazy to grieve a child we have never met, please keep that to yourself. We do not care to hear it. I tell you this because I wish I would have had the courage to say it with Hannah.

Prayers are appreciated as we grieve and make decisions. An adoption will happen. God has made that clear. But we must grieve Tinsley properly. Please do not ask us what our plans are. We will share those as God reveals them. The journey has not ended but a part has been closed. And sometimes a closed doors brings tears. Thank you for your understanding.


"The Lord gave and The Lord has taken away; 
may the name of The Lord be praised. "

So..How's Your Adoption Going?

This is a question that is asked at least 5-6 times a week. We love to see that people care so much about our future child! But lately, that question has created a bit of a heartache. So, what is going on? Let's catch up...

When we found Sweet T, our agency had her file. This was great! But then C*hina did some switcharoo's and Sweet T was 'lost' in the system. Our agency has fought from the beginning to get her file and has not had success. Yet. We are still clinging to that yet. We officially became LID today which means our paperwork was logged in with C*hina! Yay! That also means that the C*hina side of our agency team will look harder for Sweet T's file. We are hoping to know within 2 weeks if she is available or will become available. We waited 5 months for Peter's file to become available. Our sweet caseworker shared with me today that she, too, hears God saying, "Wait" not "Stop." She has continued to fight for us in every way that she can. She told me that she cannot wait to call us and tell us that God said "Yes!" We are all praying that it's Little Miss Sweet T.  After hearing some hard news a couple of weeks ago, today was encouraging. But the two weeks also gave us time to remember that His ways are the best ways and He has this all planned out.

Some other news that was hard to take is that we do not qualify for the adoption tax credit. Something to do with tax liability and being self employed. This was a bit of a blow because that's how we were going to pay for the remainder of our adoption. I guess we should be depending on God, not the government, for our adoption funds. We did a lot of fundraising with Peter and had hoped to avoid that this time. So unless someone plans on writing us a huge check or a lot of someone's write us small checks, we will be hitting the fundraising again. We want to do this in the best way and without being annoying. :-) We also want a picture to share so you know who you are raising funds for!

Peter news...Peter recovered extremely well and extremely fast from his surgery. One week after we were home, he 'knocked' a bit to hard on a window and his fist went through. Off to the ER for stitches. Then last Saturday, he had a horrible fall. Absolutely horrible. We are praising our God that he survived. His face was not pretty afterwards but he is alive! His next surgery is scheduled for July 1st. He will be having his nose and lips corrected.Here are a few pictures. I have been horrible about taking pictures lately. I have a few on my phone that I need to get off also.

 Eating Chicken Feet

 Peter and his buddy Jamison

 Friends at his birthday party

 First birthday party! He is so cute!!!!

 Dinner with Grace and Mr. Matt

Working on something, as usual. He has made a table, stool, shield, and another project.